God Updates His Privacy Policy

God Updates His Privacy Policy May 29, 2018


Heaven takes your data seriously. In lieu of new European data protection guidelines going into effect God wants you to know He won’t be outdone by the French, the Germans, or any other soy-boy countries.

God is commanding these updates to His privacy policy immediately:

  • Heaven now has a Data Protection Center. In the past your vital information was housed in what amounted to a toxic waste dump with accordion file folders stuffed with your personal information. Now that toxic waste dump with accordion file folders has a security guard Monday-Friday from 7am-3pm. His name is Leo and he likes bologna sandwiches on dark rye and mustard.
  • God still talks about your weird sex kinks with the angels. However, God vows he’s going to stop sharing that information with the Russians.
  • If you want to read Heaven’s complete Privacy Policy you can click this nonworking link here.
  • Your genetic information will be put on the $1 Table during Heaven’s Garage Sale held every first and third Saturdays (weather permitting).
  • Information you share with God via prayer will be utilized by the Almighty as inspiration for his writing Gilmore Girls fan fiction.
  • God regularly shares all of your information with the Devil. This is in order so you can show God how much you love Him when Satan dials the torture up to 11. God doesn’t want fair weather friends.
  • God reaffirms all your awkward secrets (mixing salsa with mayo, fixation on your own ear wax, etc.) will be displayed to your friends and family via a very tasteful PowerPoint presentation on the Day of Judgement just before you receive eternal punishment.
  • To save you time and effort God already confirmed you read all the relevant documents (updated privacy policy, Bible, Qur’an, Book of Mormon, Game of Thrones) and agree to them.


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