20. Cosplay. Cosplay as someone who doesn’t rape kids. And do it all the time.
19. Stop equating raping children with that that time you ate too many fried pickles at Buffalo Wild Wings. “Wow, I really have to cut back!”
18. Pick up smoking cigarettes. Smoking cancer sticks is less of a public health hazard than raping children.
17. Write down “DON’T RAPE KIDS” every day on your wall calendar.
16. Totally avoid that Bible verse “Suffer little children…”
15. Download The Chuck E Cheese Ball Pit Isn’t Where You Go To Hookup app.
14. Watch those classic episodes of To Catch A Predator.
13. Go yell the N word in the intersection of Malcom X Boulevard and Frederick Douglas Avenue. Still better than raping kids.
12. Throw out your collection of Pokémon cards. You don’t have to catch them all.
11. Unsubscribe to the Disney Kids email list.
10. Become obsessively involved with quilting. It’s super tough to rape kids when you’re quilting stitches!
9. Go gluten free. You’ll spend your time dreaming of Irish Cheddar Bread and not third graders.
8. Stop interfering with a woman’s right to have an abortion.
7. Play Scrabble with consenting adults.
6. Create an adult coloring book about not raping kids.5. Give up Catholicism and join The Satanic Temple. The Satanic Temple doesn’t support pedophiles.
4. Start up a podcast about anything except abusing children.
3. Read the Bible and make funny videos.
2. Break out that Fry Daddy. Crank it up. Deep fry some Twinkies. Eat and enjoy. Your doctor will hate it, but all those kids you didn’t rape will thank you.
1. Travel. Have you tried prison?
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.