menu

Betsy DeVos Orders Flat Earth Disks In Every Classroom

Betsy DeVos Orders Flat Earth Disks In Every Classroom August 24, 2018

The Earth is a pancake. Hell is the griddle! Jesus loves flapjacks!

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is using federal funds to ensure discs depicting a flat Earth is in every classroom in the United States of America.

“We need to teach the controversy,” Ms. DeVos stated. “Students have the right to know every theory, not just the propaganda from the round earthers.”

The Education Secretary reassured her fiscally conservative constituents by stating the money funding flat earth discs is being taken from school lunch programs. Students will no longer be enjoying Taco Tuesday. Rather, they will be subjected to Mystery Meat Monday and Dry Wall Wednesday.

Flat Earthers are celebrating this win over logic and reason. Even some religiously minded round earthers are thinking this is a win for religious freedom. After all,  doesn’t the Bible say the Earth is flat? Some bright eyed religious optimists are even hoping to roll back the germ theory of disease and bring back the demonic possession theory of illness.

Are real witch hunts (as against to what President Trump calls legitimate legal proceedings) far away?

Students are getting ready just in case they have to identify witches in schools who are poisoning wells, spoiling milk, and making fart noises during Algebra.

”Rachel Cohen is a Jew. That may not make her a witch, but it doesn’t help,” one anonymous seventh-grader said. “I’m hoping to see her third nipple that she uses to suckle her demon familiar during gym class. And then I’m putting it on Instagram.”

In related news, Instagram’s new Third Nipple Filter is incredibly popular.


Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017  Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

"And as good as a kilometer - must watch Wicker Man"

Sweden Teaches Students Jesus Never Existed
"Verily I say unto thee, Bob, thy lisp will confuse people, eh. Britt Eklund most ..."

Sweden Teaches Students Jesus Never Existed
"Why care about a fictional country?/ Britt Eklund is a myth."

Sweden Teaches Students Jesus Never Existed
"Evolution by natural selection is an accepted fact. I need no further evidence. And I ..."

Actor Chris Pratt Seeks New Deity ..."

Browse Our Archives