Jesus Admits He Hates ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’

Jesus Admits He Hates ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ September 20, 2018


The Burren, Somerville, MA – As the days slowly grow shorter and a chill lingers in the air, Jesus of Nazareth sits in his favorite pub and enjoys a pint of Sam Adams 20 Pounds of Pumpkin.

And he’s not happy.

”I was watching an old episode of AMC’s Preacher and that song, that bloody song came on — Onward Christian Soldiers. Oooooooooooh, I can’t tell you how much I hate that song with all of my heart and all my soul,” Jesus rants as he dowses the pint in a manner fit for one who is 100% man, 100% God, and 110% pissed off.

”I’ll admit it; it triggers me. It triggers the living beJesus out of me.” Jesus orders another and stares out the window wistfully. “Look, the guy who wrote it, Sabine Baring-Gould, penned it for kids walking from school to church. Is that my message to children? Onward Christian soldiers? Of course not. Why not write a tune like Turn the Other Cheek or even Be Nice Even to that Strange Kid?“

Jesus thanks the bartender and orders up some Spicy Chicken and Cheese Nachos. “You’re going to worship these nachos. They. Are. Epic.” It seems the Savior’s mind drifts a bit thinking about said nacho goodness. He then remembers he’s more than miffed. “And the thing is the author was inspired by II Timothy 2:3 Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. That wasn’t even written by Paul. It was some flunky biting his style.”

The Messiah takes another drink. “You’ll be surprised who is in Hell. I’ll tell you that right here and right now.”

Jesus seems to have gotten the angers out of his system. The only thing he wants to talk about now are these two guys…


How about buying your humble servant a coffee? 


Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017  Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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