Williamstown, Kentucky – Facing plummeting revenues, creationist Ken Ham’s Ark Encounter is now offering destination funerals. Yes, friends and family can now say their last goodbyes to loved ones in the life-size replica of Noah’s Ark.
”If Disney can do it, why can’t we? It’s common sense,” stated Ark Encounter CKO (Chief Knobhead Officer) Andrew Canard.
Each and every funeral will have characters from the Bible showing up and saying some kind words. Noah, of course, will say the eulogy. And Jesus will lead the final prayer. Who knows who else may stop by? Maybe Joshua. He’ll be a ray of sunshine when he tells the crowd a few funny stories from the genocide of the Canaanites.
And if you’re wondering if you can be buried on the Ark Encounter grounds, then the answer is an emphatic YES!
”When the heavenly trumpet blasts and the dead are resurrected, don’t you want to wake up right next to the Ark Encounter?” Mr. Canard quipped.
While the influx of cash from the funerals will help the cash strapped, faith-based and anti-science theme park, the real money will be in housing the dead. Prominent atheists are noting that the fees are quite high due to the faithful believing Jesus’ return is imminent. “It’s a great scam,” one atheist remarked. “Not as flashy as selling buckets of food to survive the end times, but selling grave plots and charging families for upkeep is a solid business model.”
Other faith-based companies are getting a piece of the pie, too. Funeral after parties can be catered by Chick-fil-A. Mourning relatives will be comforted by waffle fries and homophobic chicken sandwiches. For those who are feeling crafty, Hobby Lobby will supervise knitting groups so people will be able to create the best sweaters for those still with us.
What else is the Ark Encounter planning? Anonymous sources are saying it’s only a matter of time before President Trump sells the naming rights to the Oval Office to the Ark Encounter. That’s right, sometime soon the Oval Office will be renamed the Ark Encounter Idiot Box.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook