Bridgewater, MA is a small community south of Boston. It’s known for being the home of Bridgewater State University as well as Bridgewater State Hospital which houses the criminally insane. All in all the residents of the municipality were enjoying a life far away from the culture wars that are pulling America apart. However, Bridgewater is now at the center of the debate concerning who is a real American.
Reverend Andrew Canard of the First Baptist Church gave a sermon titled Americans Worship Jesus And Love Ham. The 67-year-old man of God began his lesson by explaining how Jesus taught all animals were clean and edible:
After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. “Are you so dull?” he asked. “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them? For it doesn’t go into their heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body.” (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean.)
He went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” – Mark 7:17-23
Reverend Canard then reiterated common knowledge on how the United States of America is a Christian nation. American exceptionalism is based on core Judeo-Christian truths expressed in the US Constitution. “Believing in America means accepting Jesus and all of his teachings. If you’re walking in the faith of the founding fathers, then that means you are philosophically pro-ham,” he taught. “And that means Muslims are hamophobic and anti-American.”The reverend assured those present one does not have to personally enjoy ham steaks, bacon, or pork chops. One must, however, understand the Holy Spirit is not just ham-tolerant, but He is pro-ham. Islam turned its back on the Holy Trinity and pork. Not only are Muslims going to Hell, but they are racists against delicious products like applewood smoked bacon.
“Should Islam be considered a hate crime against domesticated pigs?” he asked the crowd. He stated he wasn’t a lawyer of man’s law. He did know God’s law. The answer is clear.
The entire sermon was recorded by several teenagers who couldn’t believe what they were hearing. They were quickly uploaded to YouTube.
Although the videos were viewed millions of times and a vast majority of commenters think the idea of hamophobia is absurd, Reverend Canard refuses to back down. “Jesus stood tall for what he believed in, “he said. “I believe in the sanctity of pork link sausage. And this American isn’t backing down.”
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook