Betsy DeVos Moderates Flat Earth Roundtable

Betsy DeVos Moderates Flat Earth Roundtable December 30, 2018


United States Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos moderated a  discussion of thought leaders at the second annual Flat Earth Symposium in Backwater, Arkansas.

Hundreds of onlookers filled the hall to listen to the men and women who fight relentlessly against the tyranny of the Scientific-Industrial Complex. Secretary DeVos is a well known skeptic of reality-based facts. Conference leaders believed she was the ideal person to keep order in the raucous exchange of ideas at the Flat Earth Controversies discussion.

While many high-level flat Earthers were present to rail against the “Spheroiders” the most vicous attacks targeted other Flatists. “I’m here to listen to my favorite YouTuber Andrew Canard,” stated one anonymous attendee. “He’s here to put the smack down on the theory the Earth is a flat hexagon.”

Secretary DeVos opened the discussion by introducing the Flat Earthers at the round table:

  • Andrew Canard – YouTuber who runs the Space Frisbee Channel
  • Professor Jordan Petervader – Controversial public speaker and self proclaimed  Alt-Science Prophet
  • Emma Hall – High school dropout and shift manager at Chik-fil-A.
  • Alexander Kirk – Proponent of the Flat Hexagonal Earth Theory
  • Jens Harmond – Space Turtle Expert

Within minutes the discussion devolved into a typical Facebook group flame war. Secretary DeVos, like many Facebook group moderators, found it difficult to keep up with the insanity. When she was able to get a word in, she was not the voice of reason.

For example, take this exchange:

Jens Harmond – We can all agree the flat Earth is resting in space on the back of a giant turtle.

Professor Petervader – Turtles are communist feminists hoping to overthrow Western penis values.

Secretary DeVos – I like turtles!

The question and answer period proved to be no less chaotic. The mostly male audience seemed more interested in asking Ms. Hall out for a date and whether or not the Chik-fil-A she worked at was hiring.

Secretary DeVos managed to regain order in the last few minutes. Her staff passed out information how everyday flat Earthers can start their own private schools. “If you play your cards right taxpayer money will fund you!” she said.

Everyone present reported they enjoyed themselves and had their beliefs confirmed.



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