Reverend Andrew Canard of Mount Aberration Baptist Church is warning America smartphones cause gay erections.
In an interview with the Flat Earth Gazette Reverend Canard laid out his case:
Smartphones are smart. They are so smart the Devil uses them to reveal temptations. T0 the faithful Lucifer suggests news fake news stories about President Trump from MSNBC. Trying to find tips on how to discipline your child will send you to the demonic show, Transparent. Worst of all, smartphones give men gay erections.
The erections are gay. The men having them are not. These righteous men are innocently searching out CNN’s Anderson Cooper on the web to see what deviltry that antichrist is up to. Within seconds of gazing into Cooper’s piercing blue eyes, the Devil makes the man’s phallus do a little dance in his pants. It’s disgusting.
Godly men need to stop using their smartphones now.
The men of Mount Aberration Baptist Church aren’t sure what to do. Many still want to keep track of the nefarious Cooper. However, they don’t want to risk gay erections. Some godly men are suggesting their wives use smartphones for vital research. Others think that’s the sure-fire way you turn a subservient wife into a witch.
Apple, Samsung, and other smartphone manufacturers are reassuring the public their products are 100% Satan free. “Because of this scandal we are having clergy from every nutcase denomination bless the sweatshops that make our products,” stated an industry spokesperson.
Reverend Canard is skeptical of the plan. “Until I get a six-figure contract to bless smartphones, I’m unconvinced.”
In related news, Vice President Mike Pence is marching in a straight pride parade.
*This post was inspired by the Friendly Atheist post Russian Orthodox Leader Says Smartphones Could Bring About Arrival of Antichrist