Helsinki, Finland – The government of this Northern European country recently declared traditional Christianity as harmful. This edict is the result of a five-year study analyzing the effects the Christian faith has on society.
Professor Andrew Kannard is the lead researcher in the broad analysis of Christianity’s toxicity on modern society. “From the Catholic pedophile priest scandals to conservative Christians flocking to support the President of the United States Donald Trump, Christianity undermines the foundation of civilization,” he noted.
The research identified characteristics of traditional Christianity including: a hostility towards science, pro-authoritarianism, anti-woman, anti-child, violent, not getting the joke, an irrational hatred for The Great British Bake Off, and a proclivity for believers to abuse ALL CAPS.
Finland’s parliament voted unanimously to support Professor Kannard’s finding. “We believe traditional Christianity stunts the development of an individual’s psyche,” the declaration states. “All evidence points to society benefiting from citizens holding an agnostic view to the divine or outright atheism.”
Insiders report frosty nations may be banding together and joining forces to fight religious extremism around the globe. Many observers note Finland’s move to protect its children from Christianity and Vice President Mike Pence getting thrown out of Iceland. Some state there is a new Cold War. This time, however, it’s between prosperous Northern European countries and faith-based banana republics like the United States and Iran.
Republican lawmakers in the United States are crying fowl at Kannard’s research. Up until this point some in the GOP believed in an anti-Christian conspiracy spearheaded by facts and the scientific method. Now, 98% of Republicans in state and federal government report they believe in an international deep state determined to end their reign of idiocy.
Most citizens in the US can’t wait for that day to come.
*This inspiration for this post is “Traditional masculinity’ deemed ‘harmful’ by American Psychological Association