Reykavik, Iceland – The parliament of this small North Atlantic country made history today by declaring the Southern Baptist Convention a terrorist organization. The resolution passed unanimously with many lawmakers cheering in celebration.
Andrew Kanard represents the town of Laugar. “What is terrorism? Using fear to achieve political goals,” he explained. “The Southern Baptist Convention uses the fear of eternal torment to help it achieve anti-lgbtq legislation, a pro-gun culture, gutting pro-environment regulations, attempting to stop the legalization of marijuana, and inhumane treatment of undocumented workers in the United States. They are the very definition of terrorists.”
Polls say the citizens of Iceland overwhelmingly support the position. Out of 3,500 people questioned, 88% state American fundamentalist Christianity is the number one danger to the world. In related news, 45% admit they will buy a sandwich from Chik-fil-A when they’re in the US even though the restaurant chain is owned buy Christo-fascists. However, no one will take a pic of their meal and post it on Instagram.Catholics in Iceland aren’t celebrating. There is another bill moving through parliament declaring the Catholic Church an international ring of pedophiles and pervs.
Insiders whisper there is pending legislation declaring Wahhabism, i.e., Saudi-style Islam, as a crime against humanity and second rate fan fiction based on the Jewish faith. There are arguments amongst Icelandic elected officials. Some are saying fundamentalist Christianity is second rate fan fiction of Judaism, which would mean Wahhabism is third rate.
President Trump is working day and night to find Iceland on a map. Whenever a well meaning intern tries to point it out, Trump says, “No one lives there but elves and Santa Claus.” Some frustrated staffers are egging on the commander-in-chief by telling him Iceland is next to Nambia and by the Covfefe Straights.
If President Trump ever finds Iceland on the map the plucky country of 330,000 souls may have to pay for their skepticism and truthiness.