Jefferson City, Missouri – The students of Huntington Middle School had a surprise visit from Vice President Mike Pence. But this was no ordinary visit. Mike Pence was there to promote abstinence only sex education.
“The White House offered us a $50,000 grant so we can get the lead out of the school’s water supply,” explained Principal Andrew Canard. “It was a no brainer.”
Vice President Pence is passionate about traditional values and faith-based school curriculums. He hasn’t met a Jesus-centered alternative to the “theory” of evolution he doesn’t like. At times he is very skeptical that the Earth revolves around the Sun. Preaching and teaching the good word of just saying No to sex before marriage seemed to be a natural fit.
The school auditorium filled with young minds eager to avoid Algebra and reading Julius Caesar. What they got was something they would remember for the rest of their lives. Mike Pence entered the room and began the forty-minute lesson with this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Fast forward a little bit, and God makes man and then woman. MAN and WOMAN. The Bible never says Adam and Eve ever had a marriage ceremony. And that’s beside the point. The point is Adam and Eve never have intercourse in the back of 1968 Volkswagen Bug until after their wedding.
It’s also clear Adam and Eve never had any grandchildren until God allowed a Special Limited Time Only Marriage between Eve and her sons. After all, they had to populate the planet. Now, it’s wrong to have sex before marriage. And no matter how much you may want to have something like a Special Limited Time Only Marriage with Mother that’s too bad. Those glory days are long gone.
Also, it’s important to point out, it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and your hawt roommate when you were living in the freshmen dorms.
Vice President Pence went on to say how important it is to keep yourself pure for that special someone. He refused to answer any questions about what President Trump’s version of sex ed would be.
White House sources state Pence will be traveling the country to educate the youth. It’s his mission from God.