Washington DC – The national nightmare is over. President Trump announced the sleep aid Ambien is the cause of all of his erratic behavior. All of his thinly veiled racism, incorrect spelling of everyday words, and general mismanagement of the executive branch he says are side effects of the drug.
”I’ve been sleepwalking for the last ten years,” Trump stated. “My doctors just reviewed my medications and realized Ambien is the cause for the trade war with China.”
Andrew Canard is the Chief of White House Taradiddles. He states once Trump stopped taking Ambien, the commander-in-chief officially took Russian President Vladimir Putin off the White House payroll. Supposedly, a letter of apology to the FBI is being drafted. “A lot of people are going to be happy with the new and improved Trump,” he noted.
Senator Mitch McConnell Isn’t Happy
Everyone isn’t happy, however. Senator Mitch McConnell, GOP leader of the Senate, was found banging his head against the wall earlier today. Anonymous sources in McConnell’s office state they found the lawmaker just in time. While many make fun of McConnell’s turkey-face, it’s generally not known the Kentucky senator’s skull is paper thin. “It’s a side effect from the evil,” one anonymous staffer quipped. “It decalcifies the bones and makes them brittle.” Sources say one of McConnell’s interns took the place of the senator and is still banging his head against a wall.Evangelicals are petrified on what’s going to happen to their influence now that President Trump isn’t under the influence. Some believe the time of being able to discriminate on the basis of firmly held religious beliefs is at an end. Others think they can still slip Ambien into Trump’s food. Prayer warriors are mobilized and currently beseeching the Almighty for help.
Democrats are afraid Trump is lying, and this is just a trick to get re-elected. Political pundits point out Trump doesn’t need to go to such measures. The Democrats have proven time and time again they can shoot themselves in the foot all on their own.