Billy ‘Spamburger’ Tucker is ready to follow Jesus’ teaching of turning the other cheek while fully armed with an ArmaLite AR-15 rifle.
”Jesus said to turn the other cheek, and I can do that,” Billy told friends at the Pig and Whistle Bar. “After I turn the cheek, my AR-15 is going to shoot them with 223 Remington blessings.”
Mr. Spamburger’s friends voiced they were all thankful for living in a state where a fully operational assault-style weapon could be brought into a bar. How else could the evangelical Christian demonstrate how he would kill any “Mexican-homosexual cheek toucher” while drinking a cold one and listening to Toby Keith on the jukebox?
It’s widely known at the local megachurch Jesus wasn’t a sissy or a momma’s boy. Didn’t the man curse a fig tree just because it wasn’t figging properly? Or how about the time Jesus whipped those credit card help center operators in the Temple? Truth be told, you don’t put the Messiah on hold for twenty minutes and then tell him his credit score went down.Other friends didn’t want to be outdone. After all, it was a hallowed tradition of the Pig and Whistle for customers to declare what they would do if their deeply held beliefs were questioned. While some bars featured rap battles between feisty customers, the people here competed to see who could open the biggest can of whipass on the weakest members of society.
”I don’t know why homeless people keep asking me for money,” one friend said. “Next time I’m going to kick that guy panhandling on Main Street and tell him to go sell his wheelchair.”
It wasn’t all testosterone and rapid fire, however. Everyone present agreed you shouldn’t shoot your girlfriend/wife. That’s what rifle butts are made for. “Jesus wants your girl to be submissive not dead,” Mr. Spamburger noted. “A tap or two with the end of an AR-15 is good enough.”
In related news, New Zealand is rapidly going down the path of Satanism and gun control.