Finland Declares Catholicism A Hate Crime

Finland Declares Catholicism A Hate Crime March 27, 2019


Helsinki, Finland – The parliament in this Nordic country voted overwhelmingly to label Catholicism a hate crime. The Finnish government considers the Catholic Church to be fostering hate and divisiveness.

In what many here are calling the Dear Pedophiles Law, the Catholic Church is losing its tax exempt status due to its misogynistic and anti-LGBTQ doctrines.

The statute is also making it a crime for priests not to immediately report sex abuse against children. It doesn’t matter if the information is learned while hearing a confession.

”Every confessional box is being fitted with a red button,” explained Helsinki’s Chief of Police Andrew Canard. “If a priest hears about a child being raped, the so-called holy man presses the button. Police should be on site within minutes.”

If a Catholic priest doesn’t follow the law, then the punishment is up to twenty years in prison. And not Finnish prison, either. The guilty will be sent to the United States where they will be forced into slave labor under inhumane conditions just like every other prisoner.

“We’re not just throwing the book at them,” Police Chief Canard said. “We’re throwing the third world book of prison justice at them.”

While the Church’s pedophile-industrial complex is being targeted, everyday Catholics may still practice their faith. Freedom of religion isn’t being infringed on unless that “freedom” includes child abuse.

The Catholic Church Fights Back

The Church is crying fowl at Police Chief Canard and those flocking to support the new edict. Bishops are threatening not to offer communion to the faithful. Confessions are no longer offered until the Dear Pedophiles Law is revoked.

By and large Finns don’t care. Mrs. Aada Korhonene is eighty-years-old and lives in Helsinki. She’s a lifelong Catholic and voices an opinion many hold. “Screw’em. I only go for the bingo,” she said.

President Trump’s Newest Target?

Now that the Mueller investigation is finished, White House sources state Trump is looking for a new victim to rail against. Some believe Trump is preparing a tweet-storm at this very moment against Finland and its 5.52 million citizens.

Others believe most of Trump’s supporters don’t know what a Finland is. Good victimizing doesn’t require a map.

One anonymous White House staffer said, “Why go overseas when we have witches right here in our midst? It just sounds crazy.”



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This Poe is based on the very real story Paranoid Scottish Catholics fear their faith could be criminalised.

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