The Catholic Church Sues Waterford Whispers News

The Catholic Church Sues Waterford Whispers News March 7, 2019
Saint Taradiddle isn’t laughing.


The Catholic Church is suing the Waterford Whispers News for fifteen million euros. The reason? It’s a case of libel against God.

Church officials state the article God Was ‘Unaware’ Of Church Sex Abuse Scandals, Claims Vatican is defamatory against the Almighty. Cardinal Andrew Canard is the official spokesperson for this lawsuit. “This is the very definition of libel,” he stated. “And by the very definition I mean publishing a false statement that is damaging to a person’s reputation. Go ahead and Google it yourselves.”

The article  in question was published back in 2014. However, thanks to the fact there is no statute of limitations on libel, the Catholic Church is free to sue away. Many onlookers aren’t amazed the Catholic Church is benefitting from a statute of limitations.

“Comedy for the masses is meant to be in good taste. This piece of so-called piece of satire is disgusting,” Cardinal Canard explained.

The man of God went on to say the LORD, Tamer of Leviathan and Creator of the Universe, knew exactly what was going on during the heyday of sex abuse conducted by Catholic priests. The idea God isn’t omniscient is absurd. The concept that God is omnipotent and chose to do nothing is a mystery.

The Catholic Church is confident the Waterford Whispers News is not only going to pay the fine, but the staff will roast in Hell for eternity along with unbelievers like Gandhi and the Jews in the Holocaust.

Staffers at the satirical news outlet are befuddled. One anonymous insider quoted the organization’s Contact Us Page:

Email is good because it’s virtual. We here at Waterford Whispers News don’t believe in postal addresses. Postal addresses can lead to law suits being delivered to our offices. We don’t like law suits.

”I don’t know how they found us,” the source sighed. “Now we’re going to have to set up a bake sale to raise money for our legal *defence. It’s hard to believe, but satire doesn’t pay a lot.”

The Catholic Church is threatening to excommunicate any of the faithful who purchase baked goods at the upcoming fundraiser.

Believers with a sweet tooth reportedly are taking the risk. If God didn’t know about pedophile priests, then he certainly isn’t going to know about nibbling on a muffin.



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*Note the non-American spelling.

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