Chaos erupted in the Kingdom of Heaven today when Godzilla, King of the Monsters, publicly announced that he is the true father of Jesus from Nazareth.
Godzilla read from a prepared statement to an assembly of angels and spirits:
This is arguably the most difficult decision I have ever made. Fighting the three-headed space dragon King Ghidorah is nothing in comparison to this. Even battling Mechagodzilla was a walk in the park — and he had missiles shooting from his fingers.
I am the Mother of God’s baby daddy. Jesus is my son.
And, yes, it has taken me a long time to come forward and admit the truth. To be honest, it wasn’t until the blood test came back that I was sure. We don’t have to get into specifics about how Mary and I became a beautiful beast with two backs. Rather, the important thing is that the truth is known and it will set us all free.
Godzilla continued to say he has no idea why Jehovah took Jesus under his wing. What the King of the Monsters did say is that he is miffed his flesh and blood became a sacrifice. “I still don’t get it,” the prehistoric creature admitted. “How does Jesus dying on the cross save anyone? If Jehovah is so great couldn’t he just snap his fingers and forgive everyone?”
Jesus wasn’t present at the assembly. Inside sources report Godzilla and his son sat down and discussed the DNA results privately. The Son of Man took the news well that he is, in fact, the Son of Godzilla.
Jesus plans to continue to refer to Jehovah as his Father in Heaven. The Messiah plans to refer to Godzilla as Lord of the Earth. “My Father in Heaven may not like it, but this is the fairest thing I can think of,” Jesus said.
What the Son of Godzilla is curious about is all the press dedicated to his mother being a virgin. Godzilla gently mentioned the scholarship that shows how young girl got turned into virgin when the verse was translated into the Greek. New Testament authors were attempting to legitimize Jesus’ status as the Messiah by saying he was born from a virgin.
Jehovah, Tamer of Leviathan and LORD of Hosts, is not talking. His Twitter feed is swarming with people who want answers. Why choose someone else’s child for some bloody sacrifice? Why the need for the sacrifice in the first place? Why didn’t Jesus tell his followers to wash their hands after using the toilet? Didn’t he know the dangers of contaminating your lunch with poopy fingers?
Kafka & Sons is Jehovah’s public relations firm. They are rushing to manage the fallout from Godzilla’s revelation. Andrew Canard-Kafka is CEO of the company. His plan as of right now is to focus on the positives. “Look, Jesus is still part of the Trinity. No one understood the Trinity to begin with. It’s all good,” he said.
The makers of the upcoming movie Godzilla, King of the Monsters isn’t sure if Jesus will appear in future movies. One producer voiced hope. He noted, “You can always send thoughts and prayers to Godzilla.”
Here’s a bonus funny for you all…