Jesus Has A New Album And Its Gold

Jesus Has A New Album And Its Gold April 24, 2019
Have you seen the light? You will after watching Jesus perform his latest hit single live.

Redwater, Mississippi – Reverend Andrew Canard dropped Jesus Christ’s new double album that features the single “Jesus Christ SuperstarWhere’s My Ten Percent?” The Messiah supposedly signed with Canard’s label Jesus Wept late last year and worked in the studio mixing miracles and rhymes.

This Album Is For The Fans

”It’s music for believers,” Reverend Canard said. “There are slow jams like Jesus Loves Me, This Job Blows which explores Jesus’ time as a carpenter. That single sets up the riotous anthem I’m Jesus of Nazareth You Better Mark My Words.”

Sales for the new album are off the charts. It’s #1 in Carthage County. Insiders say it’s only a matter of time before Jesus’ album spreads to the next county over and dominates Hannibal Regional High School’s radio station.

So far the online reviews for Jesus Christ Superstar — Where’s My Ten Percent have been mostly positive:

  • It’s as if Adam Levine and Freddy Mercury had a baby together and that baby was heterosexual and the kid grew up and became the Jesus in that song Jesus Take The Wheel. – Michael Patrick Forrester
  • I cried when I listened. I stopped cheating on my wife for a week. – David “Vape King” MacDonald
  • I was so inspired by the title track I took a second mortgage on my house and donated the money to Reverend Canard’s church. – Betsy Alzheimer

The Thick Chowder Of Controversy

Some in Redwater are wondering how Reverend Canard got the Son of Man to record in the first place. It’s common knowledge in these parts the next time he returns to Earth is to judge humanity and set up his kingdom.

Reverend Canard has a simple response to naysayers and doubting Thomases. “God has a place for questions like that. It’s called Hell. Do you want to spend eternity with those question marks and uppity sentences?”

Still, critics are noting the similarity between Reverend Canard’s voice and Jesus’. And some point out the angelic backup singers sound just like the church’s children’s choir. “That archangel soprano is my daughter,” one irate parent pointed out.

The controversy fuels record sales. Believers can’t get enough.

Friends of Reverend Canard say the proceeds from the music will go to help the needy and put that extension on his house.


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“Ten percent is for quitters.” – Jesus of Nazareth


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