Military Refused President Trump’s Orders To Attack The Easter Bunny

Military Refused President Trump’s Orders To Attack The Easter Bunny April 22, 2019
This rabbit eluded ICE agents and the Orange Grinch who stole Democracy.

Washington DC – Leaks inside the US military reveal President Trump ordered the armed forces to stop the Easter Bunny at all costs. Generals from the Army, Navy, Airforce, Marines, and Coast Guard quietly placed the orders from the White House into the trash. They blatantly ignored a direct order from their commander-in-chief.

”From what the Mueller Report states, it seems like ignoring Trump’s orders is a good idea,” stated Army General Andrew Canard. “It looks like Mueller would’ve found Trump guilty of obstruction of justice if the President’s people actually did what they were told.”

Late Saturday night Trump ordered the military to seize the thinly disguised pagan symbol of fertility and all of his Easter eggs/baskets. It appears the President wanted to disrupt what he called “Socialist rabbits giving out delicious chocolate to future Democrat voters.”  And what about Republican children? Trump felt sure GOP Jesus would provide.

Some White House insiders believe Vice President Mike Pence had something to do with the matter. Pence always believed the Easter Bunny to be a Trojan Horse for homosexuality. Friends of Pence state he hates the rabbit for walking around in public without pants. The fact both terrifies and titillates the Vice President.

While the military ignored Trump’s orders, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) we’re only too happy to launch a man rabbit-hunt. Ice agents raided hundreds of institutions that planned Easter egg hunts. Many events were cancelled due to ICE’s interference.

For some unknown reason ICE separated children from their egg hunt planning parents. Some believe Trump wanted to send a message to those who harbor illegal holiday rabbits.

Top Democratic lawmakers in the House of Representatives aren’t sure whether or not this is the right time to impeach Trump. After all, the 2020 elections are right around the corner AND Trump didn’t capture the Easter Bunny. The top leaders in the House report they don’t want to rock the boat too much. Incompetently managing impeachment proceedings and incompetently overseeing Democratic primaries are just too much for one political party to do.

In related news, US military leaders confirm the nuclear codes Trump has are cheat codes for Xbox 360.


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Nathan Timmel is a comedian and past guest on the Naked Diner Podcast. Check out his site!
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