On The Virtue Of Dog Whistles

On The Virtue Of Dog Whistles April 13, 2019


Friends, FOX and Friends, and FOX and Friends Friends I believe in dog whistles.

We’re living in a society that doesn’t value honest communication. The bedrock of the Republic is based on the free market of ideas. Each and every one of us should be able to go to the cashier of freedom and purchasers no expense whatever poorly researched article on the internet we want.

That’s why we need dog whistles.

It’s almost as important as the Second Amendment. Of course, if we can’t purchase military grade weapons, how can we be sure we’ll be able to comment on that Flat Earth video on YouTube?

Can you hear what’s blowing in the wind? Dog whistles.

Hard working men and women have every right to utter the folk-wisdom that once made America great.
However, snowflakes are shutting down your right to say whatever questionable theories you have on politics, economics, race, vaginas, and politico-economic-racial-vagina realities you read on the Der Sturmerfasci.

Think about it for a minute, Freedomers.

When was the last time you heard these wisdom chestnuts from yesteryear spoken out loud and proud?

• Women become psychologically unstable if they don’t birth babies.
• America is a classless society. And if there were a class, it would be in excellent, and we’d be teaching the world.
• Slavery was an unpaid internship.

Liberals aren’t silencing us. They have silenced us.

And that’s why dog whistles are awesome.

The dog whistle was invented by Francis Galton. He happened to be the cousin of that man-from-ape theorizer Charles Darwin. While Charles was traveling the world and finding heathen fossils to undermine God’s word, Francis developed the dog whistle.

There are rumors Mrs. Galton got sick and tired of hearing her husband call the hounds for their Bible lessons. Time and time again Francis would yell out their names. She could only stand so much of “Here, Gilead! Come, Jezebel! It’s time to learn about the Beatitudes!”

Knowing his marriage was at risk, Mr. Galton developed a high frequency whistle only canines could hear. After that it was simple. When he blew, he gave the hounds a tasty snack of hog snout. After a few sessions, the animals came immediately. They stayed even when they had to sit through select readings from the Book of Numbers. If you haven’t read the Book of Numbers, then shame on you. God cares a lot about cubits.

The modern dog whistle allows real Americans to communicate in real Americanese. When you want to say “Black people are inherently inferior” you can innocently comment “Why do those in the inner city riot in their own neighborhood? Isn’t it obvious they only have to take the 86 bus midtown and loot the good stuff?”

Dog whistles are so flexible, too. They can be used for any topic. Do you want to comment on gay marriage? Go with religious freedom. Do you support the prison industrial-complex? Proudly proclaim you are 110% behind law AND order.

So, when liberal snowflakes denigrate red, white, and blue dog whistles, don’t be ashamed. Stand up tall and say, “These are my dog whistles. There are many like them, but these are mine!”

Freedom isn’t free. That’s why Republicans blow. And we blow hard.

Charles Atlas is a freelance writer. His conservative values are his shield. His words are a sword of rhetoric.

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