Remember Saint Marinara From The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Remember Saint Marinara From The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster April 30, 2019


April 30th is the feast day of Saint Marinara. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster officially sainted Marinara in late 2010. His life is a testimony to piracy and service to His noodly appendage.

Saint Pius Marinara was born Andrew Fusilli in 1968 in Newport, Rhode Island. His father, Paul, worked as a fishmonger. His mother, Aimee, stayed at home and raised Andrew. Andrew’s love of the sea came from his father. His passion for pasta from his mother.

The future saint’s first memory was the smell of fish and the sight of halibut. Dad took Andy to the fish market Fusilli’s Fish when his mother roamed the countryside for the best tomatoes for her award winning sauce. No one knows for sure which customer gave Andy his first pirate’s eyepatch. Saint Marinara’s biographer later wrote it was a divine sign of the boy’s semolina flour centered destiny.

”I wore that’s eye patch everywhere. In the shop. In the shower. Even while sleeping,” Saint Marinara reflected years later. “Customers soon gave me a pirate hat, a plastic sword, and a copy of the renowned kids’ book A Thousand Ways to Say Aaaarrgh!”

At the time many said the youth’s fixation on pirates was just a phase. However, what happened on September 28th, 1980 was a miracle. Andy was watching the first episode of Carl Sagan’s classic show Cosmos, and eating spaghetti with meatballs. It was then he felt the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch his young heart. “I knew then and there I needed to dedicate my life to spreading the good word of science literacy, pasta, and piracy,” he stated.

In the years to come he obtained advanced degrees in Pastaology, Rigging the Sails, and Biology. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster recognizes his first miracle on April 30, 1992. The future saint was at a friend’s party. Nirvana’s album Nevermind recently dropped and was all the rage. The one bedroom apartment where the party was being held was full of people having a good time. Tragedy nearly struck when the munchies ran out, and someone scratched the only copy of Nevermind at the festivities.

Andy Fusilli felt the teen spirit and the FSM’s presence. That day he fed the multitude with only one box of spaghetti and a jar of sauce. Somehow, everyone left that party with a copy of Nevermind.

Fusilli did several other miracles that were just as impressive. He taught 7th graders science. He parted the Marinara Sea while on vacation in Sicily. And he did them all while wearing an eyepatch.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster made him a saint after Fusilli’s untimely death. He was reportedly in the school cafeteria and witnessed a student pouring mayonnaise onto a plate of spaghetti. The horrific scene broke the holy man’s heart.

Every April 30th the Church celebrates the life of Saint Marinara. May he forever be remembered as a follower of the divine starch.


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