Things I Wish God Would Say To Me But Never Does

Things I Wish God Would Say To Me But Never Does April 25, 2019
God doesn’t do a lot of talking these days.


“I wouldn’t have voted for him. And by him you know, him. I hate saying his name.”

“Here’s the reason why good things happen to bad people…”

“Evangelicals? They bug me.”

”Here’s the reason why bad things happen to good people…”

”Gay people are humanity’s glitter.”

”I never thought about The Empire Strikes Back like that. But, you’re right, there is a lot of imagery around eating in that flick.”

”That short story book of vampires you wrote doesn’t suck.”

“Yes, Christopher Hitchens is in Hell. And by Hell I mean he’s in the part of Heaven where we don’t allow booze.”

”I understand. People don’t read my book either.”

”Does religion ruin everything? Probably. It does make sex a lot more awkward.”

”Even I think I could’ve done better.”

”The Trinity doesn’t make sense. It never made sense. It will never make sense. I still don’t know why those people call themselves monotheists.”

”I made the platypus on 4/20.”

“Yeah, there are a lot less religious people in the United States right now than there was 50 years ago. But think about this, you only need a small minority of well funded crazy people to take over the state.”

”Yeah, Slaves obey your masters should be taken out. There’s no way that makes me look good.”

”Joel Osteen’s breath smells like a 13-year-old boy’s arm pit.”

“Thoughts and prayers? I’ve forbidden that phrase in the Kingdom. I don’t allow NRA propaganda up here.”

“The term Judeo-Christian irritates me to no end. For centuries the most Christian thing someone could do is persecute a Jew. It makes me want to rain frogs down on  Arkansas.”

“I think Mormons have the best afterlife plan there is. There’s a chance you can be a god. Good deal.”

”Captain Marvel > Wonder Woman”

”Whenever I hear Onward Christian Soldiers I cringe”

”In retrospect Jesus should’ve talked a lot more about proper hand washing.”

”I made Pat Robertson out of beef jerky and used mayonnaise packets.”


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