Washington DC – President Trump’s Department of Weather Defense (DWD) heralded its first birthday this week. President Trump tweeted congratulations to the “first line of defense against non-Christian weather systems.”
The DWD website boasts a myriad of victories over the evils of Islamic sandstorms, Satanic rainstorms of blood, and the Democrat inspired hellstorm of the Mueller investigation. “We’re batting 1,000,” stated Secretary of the DWD Andrew Canard. “Since President Trump created the DWD, America has only suffered from Southern Baptist weather catastrophes.”
Secretary Canard stated Southern Baptist approved earthquakes, wildfires, etc. are sent from God to teach us all a lesson. “That cold snap last week? That was caused by 13-year-old Billy Moran’s penchant for masturbation. God’s mysterious ways are mysterious,” Secretary Canard mused.
Americans In The Dark
Many Americans didn’t know the DWD existed. Over the course of the last year President Trump’s many Twit rages, tax cuts for the 1%, the Mueller Investigation, putting that sex offender on the Supreme Court, separating children from their families, losing said children, undermining American businesses with a trade war against China, and trying once again trying to gut healthcare voters didn’t realize televangelists and megachurch preachers got an entire department of the federal government to play with.“You’re telling me Joel Osteen is Chief Earthquakeologist for the DWD?” one anonymous citizen asked. “I’m not a scientist, but Earthquakeologist isn’t a real word.”
The Future Of The DWD
With its string of successes, the DWD plans to continue to provide the highest quality of weather defense as well as adding some bold innovations for next year. Here are some plans that are on the table:
- Building special blimps to seed rainclouds in arid areas with Bibles.
- Designing special catapults to shoot water balloons into atheist forest fires.
- Creating prayer teams to assist the Almighty with earthquaking California into the ocean.
Political pundits predict the success or failure of the DWD has no bearing on the 2020 elections. One pundit noted, “It doesn’t matter if the President is corrupt. Ordinary people vote on which way the economic wind blows.”