Washington DC – A new scandal is rocking the White House and the Trump administration. The Flat Earth Gazette published love letters from the First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump, to Russian President Vladimir Putin.
The Gazette published all thirty-two epistles. The letters paint a picture of an ambitious woman with love on her mind.
At first, Mrs. Trump appears to be vacillating between being an agent of her husband’s business interests and fangirl of Putin:
Dear President Putin,
This is Melania Trump. Yes, First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump. But you can call me Jackie Kennedy 2.0 .
Donnie asked me if I thought you were going to green light Trump’s Joseph Stalin Casino. I told him I’d ask you myself.
How is Russia? Did you know the letters K-G-B are my favorite?
As Putin and Melania Trump exchanged more letters, the tone changed from fangirl to frisky.
Dear the Great,
Why is Ivan remembered to be Ivan the Great? What did Peter do to be Peter the Great? Ivan never had nuclear weapons. Peter never not manipulated stupid Americans to vote in an Orange Head.
You know, I’ve told Donnie to shave head. Cheeto hair is no good.
Very little hair makes a BIG man. 😉
The last letter paints the First Lady in the most questionable light:
Dear Russian Bear,
I love how you make puppets dance on strings. It makes me think of the days when I was a little girl in Slovenia. I used to play with kitten by tying strings on legs and making it dance.
I tell Americans that story, and they look at me like I’m pickled kitten paws (which are delicious, the way!).
But you understand me.
Enclosed are the nuclear launch codes like you asked.
The Flat Earth Gazette has had a good relationship with President Trump. They supported him during the 2016 campaign after he came out as a flat-earther. However, the editorial staff states they couldn’t bury the story no matter how much The National Enquirer offered to pay them.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog no one reads, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote a book no one reads, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers. There are rumors his stand-up is funny. When he isn’t shouting at the darkness on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook he is showing his kids how not to behave. Oh, he’s reading through the Bible and talking to interesting people on YouTube.