- A son who is as good at throwing a football as my dad wanted me to be.
- Getting rid of the term mansplaining. You see, there’s no such thing. Men have every right—nay, duty—to enlighten the fairer sex on how wrong they are. For example, jokes? Women don’t do humor. Women don’t understand the nuances of a knock-knock joke like this one:
Knock-knockWho’s there?Banana.Banana who?Knock-knock.Who’s there?Banana.Banana who?Knock-knockWho’s there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad the Equal Rights Amendment never passed?
- Someone to explain consent to me. I want the word to mean I get whatever sex act I’m in the mood for. Now tell that to my girlfriend. Now tell it to my wife.
- Episodes of Father Knows Best beamed right into my brain.
- Never seeing the color pink on a man again.
- A man cave. The door to said man cave will have a sign “No Girls Allowed” scrawled on the door. Why is there a stripper pole in the room? If you need to ask, then you’re probably a girl and should be watching Real Housewives.
- A daughter who knows she’s always going to be Daddy’s Little Girl. And that means she gets to date after grad school. Probably.
- A Scrabble game. I want one that gives me triple word points for using ’feminazi.’
- A gun. And a picture of a gun. And when you give them to me, I want you to make BLAM! BLAM! sounds.
- A catcall whistle with “Boyz will be boyz” emblazoned on it.
- A notebook where I write down all the lies I tell my friends about the women I never slept with. There are a lot, and it’s tough to keep track of them.
- An official ’Man Card’ that confirms I only need to know three colors, and only have three emotions (angry, hungry and sleepy).
- A punching bag with Hillary Clinton’s face on it. Whenever I punch it, God Bless America plays.
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Best Advice Ever is a show where guests talk about the best tip they ever got regarding their jobs and the best advice they ever received about being a better person.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog no one reads, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote a book no one reads, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers. There are rumors his stand-up is funny. When he isn’t shouting at the darkness on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook he is showing his kids how not to behave. Oh, he’s reading through the Bible and talking to interesting people on YouTube.