Ten-year-old atheist Bobby Thompson recently made the decision to tell his Grandma the Moon is not unAmerican. It’s going to be an uphill battle. You see, Nana watches quite a bit of Fox News.
After Fox News personality Tucker Carlson railed against the metric system, Nana threw out his ruler that featured inches AND millimeters. “The Devil has no place in this house,” she cried. “In this house, we will serve the LORD and His inches and yards.”
Now whenever he visits her, Bobby hides his ruler. He prays to his fictitious god she never searches his backpack for contraband like centimeters or The God Delusion.
And now he’s wading back into drama — Nana style. She must’ve been watching FOX News or perhaps listening to one of her AM radio hapid (hate + stupid = hapid) shows. Regardless, she now thinks the Moon is unAmerican because the upcoming partial lunar eclipse will be seen by most of the planet. However, the astronomical event will not been seen in the United States of America.
“It’s white genocide!” she yelled at the picture of white Jesus in the living room. “Jesus save us all! Bring the Moon back to the orbital path of righteousness.”
During milk and cookies Bobby attempted to show her how lunar eclipses work. He had three balls of varying sizes, and even made up a little song to explain why they wouldn’t be able to see the eclipse.It didn’t work.
“It’s that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s fault,” Nana sputtered. “She needs to go back to the country she came from.”
“Nana, she was born in The Bronx. New York City is part of the United States of America.”
“Then why isn’t she white?” Nana asked.
There were too many issues for any ten-year-old to handle. Racism. Nana’s lack of a decent education. And the conservative industrial-complex of hapid.
Bobby decided to quit while he was ahead and enjoy the cookies.