President Trump held his military parade yesterday. Like many of you, I didn’t watch the parade because I was busy enjoying the classic July 4th movie, Jaws. In case you don’t know, the 1975 blockbuster takes place on July 4th. The movie depicts George Washington, played by Roy Schneider, fighting off King George the III who happened to be a Great White Shark.
Now that may not seem, well, factual. But in the Land of Trump facts are barriers to Trumpiness. As Rolling Stone reports, President Trump went off the deep end of the historical pool:
But while recapping great military victories, Trump stumbled, failing to read the teleprompter accurately, he said that American troops in the Revolutionary War “took over airports,” not realizing, of course, that airports did not exist in the 1700s.
“In June of 1775 the Continental Congress created a unified Army out of the Revolutionary Forces encamped around Boston and New York, and named after the great George Washington, commander-in-chief. The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown,” Trump said.
Then, he went off the rails and seemingly mixed up the Revolutionary War with the War of 1812. “Our Army manned the air, it rammed (?) the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do. And at Fort McHenry, under the rockets’ red glare, had nothing but victory. When dawn came, the star-spangled banner waved defiant.”
Twitter went wild.
— HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) July 5, 2019
— Shelwass (@shelwass) July 5, 2019
— Jim Longino (@jimlongino) July 5, 2019
In honor of those glorious airplane pilots at the Battle of Valley Forge, here is a direct quote from G. Washington himself! Thank you, Donald Trump, for reminding us how the good ol’ USA’s Continental Army took the British airports in the Revolutionary War! #TrumpParadeFail pic.twitter.com/8FDvsJopax
— William Throckmorton (@GameOfThrocks) July 5, 2019
In closing, I want to apologize to all of you who read 20 Things To Look For In Trump’s Parade. I made a good faith attempt to accurately predict what sort of mayhem would occur but failed.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog no one reads, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote a book no one reads, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers. There are rumors his stand-up is funny. When he isn’t shouting at the darkness on Twitter, Instagram, and