Kansas Church Creates ‘Golden Dawkins’ Statue

Kansas Church Creates ‘Golden Dawkins’ Statue July 8, 2019

Topeka, Kansas – Warren Avenue Baptist Church is stirring the evangelical pot with its Golden Dawkins statue. Parishioners believed they struck a blow against the evils of evolution and “snobby accents.”

The Genesis Of An Idea

The statue of Richard Dawkins, the world renowned biologist and best selling author, was the direct result of divine intervention explained the spiritual head of Warren Avenue Baptist Church, Reverend Andrew Canard:

God spoke to me a few weeks ago. I was writing a sermon titled Natural Selection is Unnatural and from the Devil when the Almighty told me to build a 7-foot high golden statue of Dawkins. You see, Richard Dawkins is Golden Calf for people who value reason over Jesus. The Ancient Israelites worshipped the Golden Calf because they lacked faith in Jehovah. Scientists today worship at the feet of evolution.

Sources within the church say it was easy to gather the gold. After all, the church boasts a membership in the thousands. It seemed every believer had some gold to contribute to the statue.

”Ancient Israelites donated their gold to make the Golden Calf,” Reverend Canard quipped. “It seemed fitting our members donated their gold for Golden Dawkins.”

Some parishioners donated gold coins. Some fervent believers even had gold fillings removed from their mouths for the greater glory of Christ.

The Scam

The Golden Dawkins stands in the front of the megachurch. It was supposed to be a constant reminder about the perils of higher education.

However, people soon discovered the statue signified corruption and gullibility.

The Bible states the Golden Calf was 100% pure gold. Golden Dawkins was supposed to be the same. Within hours of the statue going up, neighborhood kids discovered it was anything but.

”The paint chipped off pretty easy,” an anonymous 12-year-old boy stated. “Because of my crappy school, I don’t know anything about evolution. But I know the difference between something being 100% gold and something painted in gold.”

A quick analysis by local scientists confirmed the gold is only skin deep.

Where did all the gold go that the church collected?

Reverend Canard could not be reached for comment. Anonymous sources inside the church say he hasn’t been seen for a day or two.

It’s slowly dawning on most church members they have been scammed. Some are clinging to their faith and declaring all non faith-based science is fake news.


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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog no one reads, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote a book no one reads,  Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers. There are rumors his stand-up is funny. He’s  on Twitter and Instagram.

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