Minister Sells Heavenly Lottery Tickets

Minister Sells Heavenly Lottery Tickets July 31, 2019
Afterlife Lucky gives you a chance to get into Heaven even if you don’t believe!

Enterprise, Alabama – Reverend Andrew Canard of Warren Avenue Baptist Church is selling lottery tickets to true believers.  For $20 a God fearing Christian gets a chance of securing their spot in Heaven.

“The Catholic Church sells indulgences to help you get to the pearly gates,” explained Reverend Canard. “Baptists can do better than that! I call my lottery Afterlife Lucky.”

Afterlife Lucky is a game where a player picks 8 numbers from one to one hundred. They also pick a Thoughts and Prayers Bonus Number. A winning series of numbers is picked at random once a month. Winners are guaranteed to get into Heaven. If the lucky duck gets the Thoughts and Prayers Bonus Number, then they get to spend eternity in White People Heaven.

“Even if you’re not white you can still be in White People Heaven,” Reverend Canard quipped. “You just have to make sure you carry your papers around with you.”

Afterlife Lucky is insanely popular with members of Warren Avenue Baptist Church as well as believers for miles around. If what Jesus said is true and his followers are sheep, then the sheep are flocking to Reverend Canard to get their chance at Heaven.

However, many people are quick to point out they aren’t buying the tickets for themselves. Some are buying tickets to help relatives already in Hell and need a get out of jail free card. Others are in the game to save a relative who is still alive but are on the wrong path.

“I’ve seen people buy tickets for atheists, Muslims, Jews, and Catholics,” on anonymous source said. “A lot of Baptists believe they’re automatically going to Heaven.”

President Trump is lauding Afterlife Lucky. He told a reporter, “This lottery is the best! My insurance plan is taking Afterlife Lucky to the next level. My lottery will have Americans buying a chance to get health insurance from Canada!”

 


Did you enjoy this post? How about buying the writer a cup of coffee! 

Or becoming a Patron?


The Democratic Party is the part of fiscal responsibility and reason. Get ready for 2020 with this awesome shirt!

 

 

"This goes with his two cow rule to prevent homogenization"

Vice President Pence Refuses To Drink ..."
"Mike Pence is a living demonstration that cream is not the only thing that floats ..."

Vice President Pence Refuses To Drink ..."
"Umm...are you the one who makes that determination?? Interesting. Praise Geri!"

Iceland Bans American Televangelists
"Sigh, the sad thing is that I could almost see this happening."

Vice President Pence Refuses To Drink ..."

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!


TRENDING AT PATHEOS Nonreligious
What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment