Enterprise, Alabama – Reverend Andrew Canard of Warren Avenue Baptist Church is selling lottery tickets to true believers. For $20 a God fearing Christian gets a chance of securing their spot in Heaven.
“The Catholic Church sells indulgences to help you get to the pearly gates,” explained Reverend Canard. “Baptists can do better than that! I call my lottery Afterlife Lucky.”
Afterlife Lucky is a game where a player picks 8 numbers from one to one hundred. They also pick a Thoughts and Prayers Bonus Number. A winning series of numbers is picked at random once a month. Winners are guaranteed to get into Heaven. If the lucky duck gets the Thoughts and Prayers Bonus Number, then they get to spend eternity in White People Heaven.
“Even if you’re not white you can still be in White People Heaven,” Reverend Canard quipped. “You just have to make sure you carry your papers around with you.”
Afterlife Lucky is insanely popular with members of Warren Avenue Baptist Church as well as believers for miles around. If what Jesus said is true and his followers are sheep, then the sheep are flocking to Reverend Canard to get their chance at Heaven.
However, many people are quick to point out they aren’t buying the tickets for themselves. Some are buying tickets to help relatives already in Hell and need a get out of jail free card. Others are in the game to save a relative who is still alive but are on the wrong path.
President Trump is lauding Afterlife Lucky. He told a reporter, “This lottery is the best! My insurance plan is taking Afterlife Lucky to the next level. My lottery will have Americans buying a chance to get health insurance from Canada!”