Washington DC – In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) ruled Russian meddling in US elections is free speech and protected by the Constitution. Russians can now interfere with local, state, and federal elections without fear of retribution by the United States.
Political scientist Professor Andrew Canard of Miskatonic University states it was only a matter of time before this was going to happen:
We live in a country where corporations give millions of dollars to politicians, and it’s called free speech. Churches can tell their parishioners who to vote for without fear of losing their tax free status because it’s free speech. Why not have foreign governments funnel money directly to candidates and call it free speech?
As soon as Professor Canard stated that last bit, he realized he was giving SCOTUS and foreign governments a billion dollar idea. He tried to retract the statement, but it was too late. It’s only a matter of time before Saudi Arabia underwrites the Trump 2020 campaign.
Rank and file Republicans are celebrating the decision. They expect the entire weekend to be dominated by liberal snowflakes crying about the downfall of the American republic.Responding to SCOTUS, leading Democrats are looking around the world to see if any foreign powers want to back their team. Currently, there is talk in the DNC about giving China the island of Taiwan if they could help get Trump and the GOP out of office in 2020.
“It’s not treason if we’re betraying an unimportant ally,” stated one anonymous Democrat.
Oil-rich Norway is publicly planning to back the Green Party. However, the Norwegian government is planning to dominate local elections before setting their sites on state and federal seats. The reasoning is if the public loves their Green Party Trash Commissioner, then they will more likely vote Green in future elections.
Meanwhile, most Americans aren’t paying attention to politics until September 2020. Scientists believe it’s a classic example of ignorance being bliss.