Florida Passes ‘English Only Hold Your Ground Law’

Florida Passes ‘English Only Hold Your Ground Law’ August 17, 2019

Tallahassee, Florida – Florida’s legislature passed a bill late last night legalizing American citizens to gun down individuals who speak any foreign language in public. Nicknamed Jesus and English First the proposed statute is similar to the law passed last year allowing white middle aged citizens to shoot people who are playing rap music too loud.

“This is a great leap forward in making America great again,” stated State Representative Andrew Canard. “I was at a gas station just this morning and foreigners were speaking unAmerican English. This law will fix that.”

Governor William Murray is expected signing the bill into law as soon as he’s back from attending Queen Elizabeth’s first week in Disney World. Staffers insist Governor Murray can’t wait to make America safer by killing non-English speakers who dare to tread on Floridian soil.

Education professionals are up in arms. Does the new law allow foreign language teachers to be shot in cold blood while conjugating Latin verbs? Math teachers shudder at the thought of their armed students learning the word algebra has Arabic roots. More than one math teacher is considering calling algebra freedom math.

Other concerns are surfacing. What if an English speaker is using a word an armed idiot doesn’t know? Does the law provide protection for gun owners with a poor vocabulary?

“Yes. Yes, it does,” offered an anonymous lawmaker. “If a gun owner suspects you’re speaking a foreign language when the only thing you’re doing is using the word exacerbate, then that gun owner can legally shoot you down wherever you are.”

There are those who are trying to find the silver lining in this NRA cloud of dysfunction. At the very least, the new law will prepare the rest of the country for election night when Florida proves once again it can’t run an election.


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