Scientists Prove Atheists Are Terrorists

Scientists Prove Atheists Are Terrorists August 14, 2019

A recent study proves atheists are agents of terror and seek to obtain their goals through that terror. The paper titled Atheists are Agents of Terror and Obtain Their Goals Through Terror is in this month’s prestigious Journal of CryptoKnowology.

”We have Saudi Arabia to thank for leading the way on the atheist-terrorist connection,” lead author Professor Andrew Canard quipped. “The only thing we did was connect the dots.”

The researchers did not engage in any original experiments. Instead, they focused on conducting a meta-analysis of existing studies using the best statistical methods. Scientists on the team utilized both addition and subtraction.

“Sometimes we had to use both hands, too,” stated Professor Canard.

The results are stunning:

It’s apparent that atheists’ terroristic tactics of using the Socratic method and adherence to the scientific method are responsible for all the genocides committed by Hitler, Stalin, and Mao. Millions are dead, and for what? So that Richard Dawkins could write The God Delusion?

Vice President Pence Intervenes

On hearing the news of the research findings, Vice President Mike Pence immediately ordered his Department of Anti-Witchcraft (DAW) to put the persecution of atheists at the top of its list.

”We thought The Satanic Temple was bad,” explained Pence. “It turns out they’re atheists, too!”

The DAW plans to roll out teams in September in order to test all college students for atheism. If they test positive, then the atheists will all be sent to Branson, Missouri for re-education.

Pence exclaimed, “Our future and our patriotic heterosexual bodily fluids will be safe for generations!”

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