PROVIDENCE, RI – For over two thousand years, Christians have been eagerly anticipating the Second Coming of Christ, but – following President Donald Trump’s rally Thursday – Jesus may return to find the locks changed.
“Why is so much glory given to Jesus when Galilee is the worst run, most infested rathole in Israel?” said Trump. “It’s a backwater. A complete and total catastrophe. And this guy tells the people of the United States how to live? Go back where you came from!”
Constitutional scholars have long held that many of Jesus’s ideals run contrary to American law, but – prior to President Trump – none criticized the Son of Man on the basis of being a “penniless disaster” or questioned his diet.
“What kind of a man,” continued Trump, “eats fish and drinks wine? Oh, and he makes furniture. Yeah, he’s somebody you should listen to. He’s got good ideas.”
Since his campaign in 2016, Trump has been closely aligned with the Christian nationalist movement, a grassroots evangelical crusade committed to the idea that America’s founding was profoundly influenced by the very Judeo-Christian values supporters almost immediately disavowed.
“President Trump wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true,” said Reverend Franklin Graham. “And… you can’t take [the Bible] literally.”
Noted theologians Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt took to Fox & Friends to further expound on Trump’s statements.
“This… ‘New Testament’ reads like a socialist manifesto,” said Kilmeade. “I mean… turn the other cheek? Forgive your enemies? Come on!”
“Some academics are saying that Jesus was the final prophet. But what’s Jesus done that Donald Trump hasn’t?”
Co-host Steve Doocey added: “And… Trump is from here. We don’t have to prove he exists.”
Capitalizing on this momentum in an early morning tweet, President Trump pinned the blame for windmill cancer on Thor, the God of Thunder.
This post was penned by Kyle Pendergraft. Kyle has a great book out called Notes from the North Pole!
Here’s what the book is about:
A satirical expose on the true nature of that Jolly Old Elf, Santa Claus.
Each year, children around the world attempt to appease him and beg him for toys… Santa laughs. Join Santa in his merriment and pick up some useless facts, repellent recipes, and distorted history along the way!
It’s the closest you want to come to waking up face-down in a snowdrift covered in elf blood on Boxing Day.