Washington DC – Mike Pence came out of the closet today. No, not that closet. The Vice President of the United States admitted he doesn’t drink homogenized milk because the word sounds awfully suspicious. Pence stated the idea of putting anything with that prefix – homo – up to his lips is an abomination to the LORD:
God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve. In the same way, the LORD separated the heavenly waters from the earthly ones; he naturally made cream and milk separate. Forcing milk and cream to combine is like gay marriage. It’s unnatural.
Homogenization is the process where milk’s fat molecules are broken down so that they stay mixed in milk. Otherwise, those fat molecules would coalesce at the top of the container, leaving a layer of cream resting on skim milk. Torrington, Connecticut was the first place to mass-produce homogenized milk in 1919. However, there are still some of us who are old enough to remember a time when the milkman delivered non-homogenized milk on doorsteps.
“It was a simpler time. A time when men were men. Women were women. And no one worried about their milk being gay,” Pence reflected.
The Dairy Industry Fights Bigotry
Andrew Canard is the spokesperson for The National Dairy Council (NDC). Under normal circumstances, he talks to dairy farmers about government policy regarding their product or addressing classrooms about how healthy milk is. At no point did he think he’d be on the frontline of the culture wars. Mr Canard and his organization released this statement responding to Pence:
Homogenization has nothing to do with homosexuality, bisexuality, bicurious, or multiple sexuality. Homogenization is scientific/engineering process, and being a process and not an entity can not be any of those things. However, if homogenization were a person it wouldn’t be a bigot.
President Trump jumped into the fray and tweeted, “Mike is a good man who loves America and America’s milk.”
In related news, cows of Mexican descent without proper documentation are being deported to Mexico.