Vatican To Ship Child Sex Robots To Parish Priests

Vatican To Ship Child Sex Robots To Parish Priests January 18, 2020
This robot is not looking forward to meeting his priest.
A civil rights group is forming to stop the abuse of child sexbots.

The Catholic Church sex abuse scandal takes a bizarre turn.

An anonymous source within the Vatican leaked confidential documents revealing an enormous expenditure on sex robots that are supposed to look like male children. Over the next ten years, an equivalent to 191 million US dollars is dedicated to the purchasing and distribution of child-sized male robots to parish priests. The Vatican named these bots “Bobby.” It’s hoped by high Catholic officials Bobby will prevent priests from molesting flesh and blood children.

The Church Still Has A Pedophile Priest Problem

Even though the Catholic Church paid millions in damages to victims of pedophile priests and promised zero tolerance for pedophile priests, child abuse is an ongoing issue for the institution.

Pew Research reported in June 2019 Americans believe the Catholic Church still has a big problem:

Americans are paying attention. A new Pew Research Center survey finds that about nine-in-ten U.S. adults – including 95% of Catholics – have heard at least “a little” about recent reports of sexual abuse and misconduct by Catholic priests and bishops, including a clear majority who say they have heard “a lot.” And, overall, about eight-in-ten U.S. adults say the recent reports of sexual abuse and misconduct by Catholic priests and bishops reflect “ongoing problems that are still happening” in the church. Far fewer (12%) think the recent reports reflect “things that happened in the past and mostly don’t happen anymore.”

Many within the Church believed it was either repeal the requirement for priests to be celibate or to provide men of the cloth with underage sexbots.

The choice was clear.

Bobby, The Sexbot Who May Save The Catholic Church

Canard Robotics designed Bobby. The CEO of Canard Robotics is Andrew Canard. He’s proud of his company’s dedication to making artificially intelligent sex toys for picky consumers. “If you can’t afford one of our top models, then there are many options you can choose from,” he stated. “For example, many users are happy with our artificially intelligent dildos who will do your taxes while offering sensual pleasure.”

Sources say Bobby the sexbot is the approximate height of an average 9-year-old American boy (53 inches). Bobbies will be considerably heavier than their real-life counterparts. Cardinals and bishops believe the weight difference shouldn’t be an issue with the end-users.

The Catholic Church is bracing for a new wave of protest in the wake of these new revelations. What it’s not worried about is getting sued by any of the Bobbies. Each and every robot has signed a 7-page contract absolving the Church of any wrongdoing.

In related news, Iceland is fining people $36 for saying evolution isn’t true.

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