Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed his defense strategy for the next debate. The man who’s spent over half a billion dollars inundating the American public on Facebook, YouTube, TV, and game ads is going to wear a spacesuit. His team believes this self-contained armor designed to protect its wearer from the brutal conditions of outer space may be able to prevent Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren from beating the holy crap out of him.
Andrew Canard is the Bloomberg Debate Preparation Team Manager. He admits the brutal pounding from Senator Warren on the last debate derailed Mayor Bloomberg’s performance. “Oh, he had a debate strategy,” Mr. Canard said. “But it’s like what Mike Tyson used to say, ‘Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.'”
Mr. Canard pointed out there was no way for Warren to punch Bloomberg in the face with facts if Mike is totally sealed in an airtight suit. “If that suit can protect an astronaut from cosmic radiation, then it will keep Mike safe from Warren beating him down with his own misogynistic statements.”
Analysts aren’t sure whether or not spending millions on anti-Warren armor is the right way to go. Many point out Bloomberg’s horrible performance came from shoddy preparation. Rumors from within the campaign say no one wanted to point out the candidate’s glaring problems and went easy on him when they got ready for the debate. Some believe Elizabeth Warren is training on ripping that stupid helmet off and using it for an epic smackdown. “Her fight team handlers include a few engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. If anyone can figure out how to take a space helmet off in less than one second, they will,” one anonymous source stated.In related news, Iceland declares all religions to be mental disorders.