Vatican Boys Choir Defects To Japan

Vatican Boys Choir Defects To Japan February 3, 2020

Tokyo, Japan – The Vatican Boys Choir officially defected while performing in Japan’s capital city today. Japan accepted their plea, and the boys are enjoying special refugee status. The Vatican is demanding “their kids” back. However, many in Japan are thinking the Pope, cardinals, and bishops shouldn’t be getting their hopes up. One anonymous Japanese official stated, “Hell, no they won’t go.”

Drama In G Major

The incident occurred while the choir performed in front of the Emperor and other prominent members of society. All 30 boys aged 9-14 in the ensemble stopped singing in the middle of the Bach cantata Ich habe genug (I have enough). Twelve-year-old Billy MacAllister stepped forward and read a prepared statement:

We of the Vatican Boys Choir officially request sanctuary in Japan. Under international law, Japan is required to give refuge to children under duress. All of us boys renounce our citizenship to Vatican City and place ourselves in your merciful hands.

The auditorium went silent for a few seconds.

Billy continued:

We haven’t been raped or anything like that. We boys just feel like we’re being used to make the Church look like it cares about kids. We don’t want to be complicit in the Church’s practice of protecting priests who abuse kids.

Reaction

Many in Japan believe the Vatican Boys Choir was wise to ask for assistance. After all, Japan is not a Christian country. Many citizens are not religious at all and those that are follow a mixture of Shinto and Buddhism.

Professor Andrew Canard teaches at American University in Tokyo. He thinks the boys will enjoy the rest of their youth in a country that is renowned for its high quality of life and a very low percentage of pedophile Catholic priests. “You have to hand it to the lads, they knew not to ask for help in a highly Catholic country like the Philippines. Priests would be standing in line as if it were Beef Brisket Day at the local deli.”

The Vatican is demanding their kids back. They are warning they will pray really, really hard for God to punish Japan for its principled stand. Japanese officials state their country has a formidable defense force while Vatican City has Swiss Guards.

Professor Canard noted, “Japan just told the Catholic Church,’Come at me, bro.”

The Future

Japanese social services state members of the choir are going to find homes in stable families. Seeing that the Church picked orphans for the choir, there will be no legal entanglements from blood relatives.

Choir boy and ringleader Billy MacAllister noted, “None of us ever felt safe in Vatican City. They always looked at us like we were not-so forbidden sin.”

In related news, Iceland expands its evangelical travel ban to include anti-LGBT Methodists.


 

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