Washington DC – The Vice President of the United States of America Mike Pence was rushed to an area hospital late last night. The White House officially states Pence had a nasty bout of the flu and needed medical assistance. However, sources in the administration state the Vice President got overstimulated while watching election coverage of the Iowa election. One anonymous stated, “He can only hear the word ‘caucus’ so many times.”
Is ‘Caucus’ Too Close To Gay Sex?
It’s well known among coworkers and family Mike Pence is a proud heterosexual man who dislikes the LGBTQ community. President Trump once joked Pence “Wants to hang” gays. The Vice President’s feelings on this matter go so far that he married two heterosexual turkeys last year and refuses to say the word Homo sapiens and doesn’t drink homogenized milk.
So those close to Pence aren’t surprised the word caucus sent him to the hospital.
The incident occurred at 10:30 PM. Mother (Mike’s nickname for Mrs. Pence) was asleep in her bed. Mike was drinking a glass of warm milk while watching coverage of the Iowa Caucus. He rose from his chair and collapsed. She woke up and rushed to his aid. The Vice President muttered, “So much cock. It’s as if Jesus fed the multitude with cock.”
She immediately called 911.
Psychiatrist Andrew Canard teaches at Miskatonic University. He specializes in the psychodynamics of closeted evangelical men. He had this to say:
Vice President Pence is suffering from a classic example of an ego pushing down sexual desires that it feels are dangerous to the ego. In severe cases, triggers in the environment cause an eruption of unwanted thoughts and feelings and the patient suffers a mental collapse from the strain. In this situation, it was the word caucus stated over and over again. Unfortunately, cases like this get worse over time. Pence won’t be able to get near a hotdog or a grinder in a few years.
White House Strategy
President Trump realizes Pence is important to win in 2020. After all, his Vice President is the poster boy for in the closeted evangelical men who hate gays and the color pink. Insiders believe they can still utilize Pence on the campaign trail as long as they get too close to any Dick’s Sporting Goods.
In related news, the Vatican Boys Choir defects to Japan.