Italy Officially Divorces The Catholic Church

Italy Officially Divorces The Catholic Church July 30, 2020

Rome, Italy – Citing centuries of being in an abusive relationship with the Catholic Church, the country of Italy officially divorced the one true church.

A filled courtroom witnessed a judge sundering what God had once joined together. The faithful wailed. And a few high profile atheists were present to enjoy the show.

“Yes, I did bring my own popcorn,” famed biologist, atheist, and author of such books as The God Delusion Richard Dawkins said. “This is better than the sum total all of my Christmas mornings.”

A teary Italy addressed the judge and told the loooong story of how the Catholic Church dominated the nation and made it do horrible things. The list of unconscionable acts includes but not limited to discriminating against Jews, supporting Nazis, undermining democracy, waging a war against women, holy wars, and, of course, looking the other way as the Catholic Church nourished and supported pedophile priests.

A stunned Catholic Church addressed the judge and stated it was the first time it had heard there were any problems in the marriage.

The judge noted the copious emails, snail mail, text messages, Facebook messages Italy had sent the Vatican. “And you replied a number of times,” Judge Andrew Canard noted. “One reply, and I quote, ‘Don’t make me excommunicate you.'”

A variety of mental health professionals gave testimony on behalf of Italy.  They unanimously stated that the Church physically and psychologically abused its partner.

The court awarded the country Vatican City. The Pope and all of his support staff as well as bishops and cardinals need to leave the area within 48 hours. What was the world’s smallest nation is going to be part of Italy.

Sources stated the Catholic Church is looking for a new home. It is believed the nation they move to must be a third world country where the rule of law is lax so that they may continue their particular brand of deviltry. The United States of America is the most likely candidate at this time.

In related news, atheists gather together and drink out loud.


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