Williamsburg, South Carolina – The mayor in the Deep South is using cardboard cutout citizens to populate his city that’s being decimated by COVID-19.
Many real-life citizens in this city of 30,000 have caught coronavirus after the Republican mayor opened the municipality for business and declared war on face masks. While local public health officials can’t say for sure if the spike in deaths and hospitalizations are caused by coronavirus, they can say the mayor hasn’t allowed them to look at any of the relevant data.
“Mayor Nathan Bedford Forest is not afraid of insulting liberal snowflakes,” stated one anonymous resident in between coughs. “I think this fever I have is gonna help me lose a few pounds.”
Sources report Mayor Forest got the idea of using cardboard cutouts from Major League Baseball (MLB). Many teams are placing cardboard fans in seats to give the impression everything is normal and okey-dokey. Many team owners originally thought the idea absurd, and then realized it looks like people are actually enjoying the overly long and boring game.
Some teams are allowing fans to purchase a cutout and place their face on it. The thinking goes that if you can’t be physically at the stadium wasting money buying overpriced mediocre food, then at least you can burn through cash by boasting to your friends, “See, that’s cardboard ME in the stands!”
Mayor Forest is taking another page from baseball. He is offering the families of those struck down by COVID to buy a cutout of their departed loved one and place it anywhere they like in downtown Williamsburg.
Karen MacKaren was born and raised in Williamsburg. She’s honoring the memory of her recently departed dad. “He loved being downtown and making fun of minorities,” she noted. “Now his cutout is there in blackface. God bless America.”
In related news, President Trump endorses soup tubes.
Thought of the Day!
*turns to girlfriend* “What are you watching?”
“America’s Test Kitchen. They are making a kale salad.”
I paused for a moment, “Step one, place the muzzle of the gun firmly in your mouth.”
— Professor Andrew Canard (@LaughPurgatory) July 25, 2020