President Trump Endorses ‘Soup Tubes’ Under Cities

President Trump Endorses ‘Soup Tubes’ Under Cities July 11, 2020

Chicken Noodle Soup is part of the next stimulus package.

Washington DC – Democrats and Republicans are discussing a second round of aid to the American people. Senator Mitch McConnell thinks only Americans making $40,000 and under should get relief. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi isn’t sure that’s the way to go. Most politicians want to get the deal done before August recess. After all, the Presidential election starts in earnest in September.

President Trump’s approval ratings are not where the administration wants them to be. Americans believe he has bungled race relations and dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic. In what seems to be a desperate way to garner support, Trump is supporting soup tubes.

An anonymous White House source explained what soup tubes are.

“The idea, if you can call it that, is to construct a series of tubes throughout the city that leads to centralized soup kitchens,” they explained. “For a monthly subscription, a customer can ‘subscribe to a tube of soup,’ and a tube extension would be built off the nearest mainline tube and directly into the customer apartment or home.”

The soup subscription service will cost Americans only $99 a month that will feed a family of four.

President Trump heralded the dawning of a new soup age. Americans will get millions of jobs when the soup-tube infrastructure is created. And the domestic soup manufacturers will get fat government contracts.

Of course, there are some naysayers. Will everyone want to eat the same type of soup since the tubes will only be able to offer one flavor at a time?

Professor Andrew Canard teaches Trumpian Apocalypse Studies at Miskatonic University. He doesn’t think this will win Trump a second term.

“You can’t pipe chunky stew,” he noted. “Americans won’t stand for soup that doesn’ thave chunks.”

Undeterred, President Trump is going ahead with a soup-centered political strategy.

In related news, comedian Corey Ryan Forrester sat down and talked about politics, comedy, and wrestling. 

 


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