Washington DC – An unnamed and armed to the teeth protester rampaged through the newly renovated Rose Garden early this morning. No one knows what prompted this act of violence. The suspect is a muscular white male in his early 30s. Wearing a plaid shirt and jeans, he was heard yelling “We sleep, they live.“
Within a few minutes of starting his act of vandalism, he left.
Law enforcement is currently searching for him.
The Rose Garden Reimagined
First Lady Melania Trump took control of the Rose Garden’s makeover. NPR reports.
The Trump administration announced that it is undertaking a “significant renewal” of the Rose Garden, just outside of the West Wing of the White House.
The work is being funded by private donations and is expected to be completed later this summer. The project is being overseen by First Lady Melania Trump, much as one of her predecessors, Jackie Kennedy, helped design the garden as it exists today.
“The very act of planting a garden involves hard work and hope in the possibility of a bright future,” Melania Trump said in announcing the work.
While many believe FLOTUS’ intents were pure, few could agree with the large radio telescope she placed where roses once bloomed. “The world held its collective breath when we heard she was redesigning such a classic spot,” Trump expert and horticulturist Professor Andrew Canard noted. “She didn’t even replant the rosebushes. She just had them bulldozed over.”
The Act Of Domestic Terrorism
The suspect acted with surgical precision. He quickly destroyed the radio telescope with improvised explosives. The explosion rocked the neighborhood and shattered windows in the White House. What remains a mystery is how the suspect was able to gain entrance without detection. Police believe he had an accomplice. No one knows who gave the terrorist assistance.
Experts note the staff’s will have been crushed for quite some time. That leaves only family members. Many note the only one capable of orchestrating a complex stunt such as this is President Trump’s youngest child, Barron. Considering his recent erratic behavior, Barron is being investigated.
Meanwhile, Republicans are explaining the sudden change in the appearance of their leadership.