The following are snippets from 7 strange stories.
The country of Freedonia has successfully fought off the COVID-19 virus successfully. This small European nation in the middle of the coronavirus maelstrom reportedly used free market forces to keep its citizens safe
President Rufus T. Canard remarked on the remarkable story of laissez-faire economics and public health. “Did you know the invisible hand of the market belongs to God? He is better than a legion of unelected bureaucrats telling you to put face masks on.”
Once the government of Freedonia realized the pandemic was sweeping through its neighbors it took tough action — nothing. Privately funded hospitals had all the respirators they needed because that’s how capitalism works. The citizens of this nation whose motto is Hail Freedonia, land of the Brave and Free! immediately engaged in complicated statistical analysis and realized they had all better start practice social distancing. And best of all no one hoarded toilet paper
Vice President Mike Pence is in charge of the task force combatting the coronavirus. His agency purchased millions of Jerimiah 29:11 face masks. Each and every snake handler, faith healer, and prayer leader combatting the Corona beer devils will have several. “Witches don’t have a chance when we put on the Armor of God,” Pence noted. “That armor now has durable and breathable Jesus anointed face masks.
In the latest volume of the peerless reviewed periodical Karens’ Homeopathic Medical Journal is an article that is shaking up the medical and culinary communities. The study titled Pumpkin Spice, The Destroyer Of COVID-19 shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that a lifestyle full of the combination of spices typically found in caucasian cul-de-sacs around September, October, and November offers super immunity against coronavirus.
Chickamauga, Georgia – Many schools in the state of Georgia are now open. Students are attending classes in schools. In the age of COVID-19, many teachers are viewing their jobs educating young minds as risky. Their chances of catching coronavirus are dangerously high.
Enter Mr. Andrew Canard of Nathan Bedford Forest Regional High School. Mr. Canard is a twenty-year veteran teacher. He’s been explaining Earth science to freshmen and having a blast doing it.
“It’s a terrible idea to have students return to in-class instruction,” he noted. “But if they want me back, then I decided I’d have to protect myself. And I thought ‘Why not go full Dalek?’
Williamsburg, South Carolina – The mayor in the Deep South is using cardboard cutout citizens to populate his city that’s being decimated by COVID-19
Many real-life citizens in this city of 30,000 have caught coronavirus after the Republican mayor opened the municipality for business and declared war on face masks. While local public health officials can’t say for sure if the spike in deaths and hospitalizations are caused by coronavirus, they can say the mayor hasn’t allowed them to look at any of the relevant data.
“Mayor Nathan Bedford Forest is not afraid of insulting liberal snowflakes,” stated one anonymous resident in between coughs. “I think this fever I have is gonna help me lose a few pounds.”
Every virus mutates. The changes in a virus’s DNA may not always pose a big challenge for those the disease threatens. However, there are times when such alterations do cause serious issues. For example, scientists develop a flu vaccine every year to fight the strain they believe will be most prominent. If they guess wrong, then more people may die due to the fact that year’s flu vaccine doesn’t offer enough protection
Reports state the coronavirus just mutated into the most deadly, irritating, and, yes, pervy version possible. COVID-19 mutated into US President Donald Trump.
Sources at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) state they are getting a deluge of phone calls, emails, and text messages that Donald Trump spontaneously appeared out of phlegm.
“I’m helping a COVID-19 positive patient,” one nurse stated. “They sneezed. It was a big wet one, too. Suddenly, President Donald J. Trump rose out of the big loogie saying, ‘Obama is responsible for COVID-19.’”
Boston, MA – The 2015 movie Spotlight revealed Catholic priest child abuse in Bean Town. The Boston Globe’s investigative Spotlight team worked tirelessly to expose how the Catholic Church protected and nourished pedophile priests. Years later, many hoped the one true church learned its lesson
And then the coronavirus pandemic occurred.
Some area priests are seeking to “reconnect” with their flock via homemade hazmat suits. Father Coughlin St. Mary’s Church in Dorchester says he’s, “Doing it just for the kids.”
“My kids at church always welcomed me with big hugs,” he said. “I know they miss me, and that’s why I went on the internet to find out how to share my love with them without risking COVID-19.”