Washington DC – With the passing of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg the United States of America lost a liberal icon and defender of equal rights for all before the law. Before her death, President Trump floated several names as potential replacements. Now that the moment is here Trump is once again acting as a disruptor and flouting convention. He stated today he is nominating the Russian bear known as Jojo the Terrible.
Jojo is a Kamchatka brown bear. He’s large for his species being 9 feet long and over 10 feet high when he’s standing on his hind legs. Supreme Court nominee Jojo weighs in at over 1,500 pounds of anger, fur, and a longing for the reestablishment of the Soviet Union. His legal background includes flouting international law, seizing the Crimea, and interfering with United States Presidential Elections.
“Every day Supreme Court Jojo will ring the bell of religious liberty in our proud country,” President Trump exclaimed. “Really, folks, he loves ringing a bell. I’ve seen him do it with his mouth. He’s going to be a blast around Christmas.”
The commander-in-chief went on to say that Justice Jojo the Terrible will be a good deal for taxpayers. The giant beast only wishes to get paid in salmon, blueberries, and large chunks of the Ukraine.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R- Kentucky) is one hundred percent behind getting Jojo approved before the November elections. He believes the nation deserves to have a fully packed court. Republicans currently have 53 Senators and need only 50 to confirm Jojo. “Caligula supposedly made his horse a Senator why can’t we have a bear serving on SCOTUS?” McConnell noted.
Evangelical Christians are excited and rallying behind Supreme Court Justice Terrible. They believe the Russian bear will undermine abortion rights and help secure the nation’s transition from republic to full-blown Christian theocracy.