In the latest volume of the peerless reviewed periodical Karens’ Homeopathic Medical Journal is an article that is shaking up the medical and culinary communities. The study titled Pumpkin Spice, The Destroyer Of COVID-19 shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that a lifestyle full of the combination of spices typically found in caucasian cul-de-sacs around September, October, and November offers super immunity against coronavirus.
What Exactly Is Pumpkin Spice?
“What’s the big deal?” one man asked. “Is it a way for them to deal with the end of White Claw summer season?”
Professor Andrew Canard teaches Pumpkin Spice Phenomena at Miskatonic University. After years of research, Professor Canard’s stunning analysis is that pumpkin spice does not contain any pumpkin.
“Cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and maybe some allspice,” Canard stated, ” and that’s it. What’s boggling my mind right now is what makes up allspice? Is it literally a combination of all spices?”
COVID-19 Doesn’t Stand A Chance
Over 5,000 aficionados of autumnal lattes, muffins, and beer were asked by researchers behind Pumpkin Spice, The Destroyer Of COVID-19 whether or not they felt pumpkin spice offers super immunity against the virus that has killed approximately. 200,000 Americans. Every single respondent believed insane amounts of the gourdly goodness will not only protect against the disease but will make the holiday season super awesome.
- Pumpkin spice is life, so yeah, take that COVID! – Karen MacDonald
- I’ve been selling pumpkin spice supplements for years, and I’m doing fine. – Karen Hall
- I take pumpkin spice up my butt and my farts are divine! – Ken White
Doctors Give Up
The American Medical Association (AMA) is fighting this newest wave of disinformation. Their strategy is to graft good old fashioned public health policy to pumpkin spice fantasy.
“Pumpkin spice’s health benefit is only activated when a person wears a face mask in public, engages in social distancing, and washes their hands regularly,” the AMA representative stated.
On a positive note, people are wearing face masks more often even though many find it difficult to drink their pumpkin spice lattes with them on.
In related news, Pope Francis turns to atheism due to Pumpkin Spice Spam.