Alden, Kansas – Voters in this hamlet of 986 souls are getting Chick tracts along with their ballots. These 3 by 5 inches pamphlets that have approximately 20 pages spread the Good News of Jesus Christ while educating citizens about the evils of Mormonism, the Pope, and homosexuality.
The town council voted unanimously to include Chick tracts with absentee, mail-in, or in-person ballots. If you’re voting in this town, then you will get biblical wisdom for free at taxpayers’ expense.
“It’s common sense we need our citizens to be well informed so that they can make the best decisions for their community,” stated Mayor Andrew Canard. “Jesus is the source of all truth and what better way of educating people than with these faith-based comic books?”
Many evangelicals who live in Alden are ecstatic. They believe they have suffered too long under a government of man and yearn to live under a government of God. Some fervent believers say they are voting via mail-in ballot and then going to vote in person on election day just so they can get an extra tract. “It’s what President Trump would want us to do,” one Christian said.
Morty Lichtman, the town’s one Jew, is not happy with these turn of events. He’s lived in Alden for all his life, and the seventy-year-old man believes somehow all of this is just unfair. Mr. Lictman spoke at the town meeting about his concerns. He was mostly ignored, but Mayor Canard urged him to pray the sinner’s prayer.
Mr. Lichtman reports he would rather eat a shoe.
In related news, the coronavirus mutates into Donald Trump.