Andrew Canard is the state senator for Mississippi’s District 19 and is championing the loud and proud reelection message of Sorry Science, this is a Jesus only zone. Senator Canard is facing a tough challenger. Democratic candidate Aimee Pitt has momentum on her side as we race towards election day.
Senator Canard is a staunch supporter of President Trump. He’s courted support from evangelicals in this heavily religious district and yet there is a strong chance he will lose his seat to Ms. Pitt. While many would say Canard’s history of graft, incompetence, and musky odors are at fault for his unpopularity, the 67-year-old politician believes the real reason is more nefarious — his foe is a science-loving witch.
Mississippi Hates Witches And Science
Once Senator Canard realized the good people of District 19 were under the spell of witchcraft/science, he knew he needed to amp his game and win the day for Jesus and blind faith.
The 6 term senator released this official statement concerning his holy war against principalities and powers:
Science doesn’t know everything and what it does know it doesn’t know definitely. Why, any scientist will tell you that. And then I was asking myself, Andy, why are all these good people voting for someone not me? The answer was clear. Witchcraft. I’ve seen my opponent display scientific witchcraft on several occasions, and it sickens me. My quest is to expose the truth and if that means I win reelection, by gum, that’s what will have to happen.
When pressed on what displays of scientific witchcraft he saw, Senator Canard stated Ms. Pitt regularly wears a face mask in public and maintains social distancing. He believes Satanists in league with science regularly wear masks while they are conjuring devils six feet apart.
District 19 Is A Jesus Only Zone
Senator Canard may not have dictatorial powers over his district, however, he can make declarations that have no legal power whatsoever. He has a long history of making announcements designed to capture attention and the goodwill of some of the slow-witted members of his constituency. Examples of past ones include We Believe In Patriotic Bibles Day and NASCAR Is The Official Sport Of The King James Bible. Stating District 19 is hostile to science and friendly to the Messiah seems par for the course.
Residents are taking the desperate hype from their elected official in stride. With so many people hurt by the gross idiocy of the government, many voters are so desperate they are willing to try someone not so stupid to be their next senator. Ms. Pitt has a long history of serving as a public health educator and perhaps that’s a skill set this community needs right now.
Ms. Pitt is hopeful that logic and reason will win the day.
In related news, Greenland is sold to Barrack Obama for one dollar.