Washington DC- President Trump signed an executive order today declaring indoor dining at a Waffle House is a religious right that can not be infringed upon by the government. The order dubbed the All-Star Special takes effect immediately. Federal, state, and local law enforcement officers can not stop any Christian who wants to enjoy any of the Waffle House’s delicious and nutritious menu items.
The Genesis Of The All-Star Special
It may seem strange President Trump is defending the religious right of Christians to enjoy indoor dining at any of the Waffle House’s restaurants. However, anyone who has kept track of the administration knows they cater to the religious right, so why not support the religious right for them to eat at their favorite place?
Insiders report Trump’s close ties with Waffle Baron Andrew Canard has everything to do with the new order. Waffle Baron Canard is a longtime supporter of the GOP and a devout evangelical. He’s thrown bushels of cash into the President’s failed campaign. It seems Trump wanted to reward his friend. After all, life will go on after Trump leaves office and he may need some of that sweet Waffle money to launch his new cable news channel Trump Facts.
Waffle Baron Canard believes all of this is part of God’s breakfast order. “Pat Robertson tells me Jesus loves our hashbrown bowls. And that man talks to God a lot. The Devil’s footsoldiers want to close down indoor dining. Well, when it comes to the Waffle House I can firmly say, ‘Not today, Satan.'”
But, Isn’t There An Out Of Control Pandemic Going On?
Yes, there is an out of control epidemic raging through the nation. The news is dire. The CDC states we reached the I can’t believe evangelicals still don’t believe COVID-19 is a threat level months ago. Recent data points to the sad fact we are firmly in the third wave of the epidemic and even though a vaccine is within sight, it won’t be here until many more Americans die from not understanding basic science. What’s worse is the phenomenon known as what the CDC calls Second Hand Stupidity Deaths. These deaths are from stupid science-denying evangelicals spreading the disease to intelligent victims.
Second-Hand Stupidity Deaths are incredibly high in this pandemic. However, climatologists believe the number of intelligent people dying due to the idiotic denial of the climate crisis will dwarf it.
In related news, Barron Trump’s college fund is gone. Who stole it?