Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Faith-Based Shoplifting

Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Faith-Based Shoplifting November 30, 2020

Washington DC-  The Supreme Court ruled early this morning in a 5-4 decision Christians can shoplift from stores owned by non-Christians. Unless there is a Constitutional amendment, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, and other denominations can pocket items like batteries, mayonnaise, and small power tools with abandon.

Religious Or Just A Criminal?

The case titled Canard vs S&S Deli pitted longtime hypocrite and Baptist Andrew Canard against S&S Deli in Cambridge, MA. The waitstaff knows Mr. Canard well due to his long history of causing trouble. “Who steals toilet paper from the bathroom?” asked one anonymous waiter who witnessed the latest controversy. “He just went in there and stuffed his pants with TP.”

When confronted by owner Mitzy Laitman, Canard simply said his faith demanded the “liberation” of toilet paper from those who do not believe Jesus is God. The police arrived and thus the court case born.

SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Religious Liberty

The five judges who ruled in favor of Mr. Canard stated they believe it is Christianity’s core tenet to take other people’s stuff. After all, didn’t the Christian settlers take, like, the entire country from the natives? And what about the faith taking common sense and common decency from everyday Americans. It’s straightforward that there is a loooooong precedent of Christians being dicks.

The four judges who were in the minority simply shrugged their shoulders. At least three of them plan to flee the country before the next presidential election.

“I’ve heard New Zealand is nice. Don’t they have hobbits?” asked Justice Kagan.

In related news, a deer runs away with a hunter’s rifle.

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