Evangelical Church Knights Donald Trump

Evangelical Church Knights Donald Trump January 28, 2021


Tallahassee, Florida- In a ceremony reminiscent of the days of absolute monarchs, evangelicals at Warren Avenue First Baptist Church knighted President Donald Trump the Protector of the Faith. It’s reported the elders of the house of worship wanted the sinful world to know even though Trump is no longer commander-in-chief of the nation he is still God’s mouthpiece on Earth.

Many religious superstars attended the coronation. Official Republican Jesus Guru Paula White celebrated the “divine anointing” of Donald Trump. Televangelist Jim Bakker brought hundreds of buckets of survivalist-foodstuffs as a gift. The Proud Boys security detail apprehended Reverend Baker fearing he was trying to poison the Lord Protector. “You can leave Jimmy alone,” Trump commanded. “He makes his bread and butter by selling buckets of swill.”

Lord and Protector of the Faith may seem like a radical title for a former American President to hold. Many wanted Trump to be called Protector of the Faith and Nation. However, after a five-minute debate, it was apparent that being Protector of the Faith implicitly meant being Protector of the Faith and Nation. After all, the United States of America is a Christian country.

QAnon quack Representative Majorie Taylor Greene of Georgia was present informed the press who were present, “Everything is going to be fine as you remember to kneel with your right knee.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin called to congratulate Trump. The Russian head of state promised a gift but was coy on what it is. Sources state he wants it to be a surprise. Others believe he’s having difficulty picking out the right prostitute for the j


 

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