Washington DC – In the aftermath of mob violence in the Capitol, there are a few bright spots. Researchers at Miskatonic University report the average intelligence of US citizens leveled up by 15 points. This odd phenomenon can be linked to one person, former Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Ms. DeVos recently quit her job at the White House due to President Donald Trump ordering his flying monkeys to attack Congress.
Typical IQ tests can have a standard of error of 5 points. A standard deviation consists of 15 points. A 15 point rise can realistically turn a Bud Light drinker into someone who is brewing their own craft beer in the comfort of their home.
Professor Andrew Canard teaches at Miskatonic University. He’s been studying IQ and its relationship with Betsy DeVos for years. “This is the way I explain it to students. Imagine Betsy being a big fluffy pillow. Now, visualize that pillow being pressed on the face of a sleeping Albert Einstein. Albert isn’t going to make it. That’s what Betsy does to intelligence.”
Economists believe this sudden spike in intelligence will spur innovation. Peer reviewed studies show when citizens aren’t being smothered by idiocy, they seem to act in more productive ways. Coupled with the fact President Donald Trump is leaving the White House soon, there should soon be a Golden Age of not-stupid in the United States.
Republicans, however, are vowing to fight back the tide of non-dumb. Even now evangelicals are thronging in the streets demanding flat earth frisbees and singing hymns dedicated to God’s great 6,000 year old creation.
In related news, a town in Texas gives guns religious rights.
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